Art of Transliness

Zak: A lot of times, supporting your friend can just mean letting them know that you are there for them, accept them, and are willing to listen. In general there isn’t a whole lot you can do to help someone’s dysphoria other than be there to listen to them in an understanding way (which is to say, don’t dismiss their feelings) and, when appropriate, take their mind off of things (obviously if they are reaching out to talk to you, you should probably not immediately try to distract them!). If there are any specific areas of dysphoria that you feel you could help with, like helping your friend get or make a binder or going with them to shop for new clothes, that’s also great. I don’t know your friend’s particular situation, but I know many people who are still trying to figure themselves out long to buy clothes in a different gendered section than usual but feel too nervous to do so. Having someone to just go with them and make them feel less awkward can be a big help. 

I know this advice is fairly straight-forward. Unfortunately there isn’t an easy fix or a well-kept secret to how to help someone with dysphoria. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just ask them how you can help. 

Zak: Having never been in this situation (and not really knowing any trans* guys in relationships with other trans* guys), I’m not really sure how common this is or how to deal with it. Anyone else been in this situation that has some advice? 

Zak: I personally don’t think that 5’7” is that short, although that might be because I’m barely 5’5” and my dad and both brothers-in-law are around your height. As for how to deal with height dysphoria? Surround yourself with short people. I’m mostly kidding, but it does kind of help. Also when I get down about my height I look up male celebrities that are around my height. Here’s an article from the Huffington Post about shorter male celebrities to help you get started doing that if you’re interested. 

Zak: I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this way. I have to say the biggest thing that I’ve found helpful is talking to someone who understands. I know that Self Made Men frequently runs a tinychat (or at least, they used to), which could be a good way to communicate with people who understand in the closest thing you can get to face-to-face if there isn’t a trans* support group in your area that you’re able to go to. They also run a pen-pal program. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through my early transition without having a close friend who understood what I was going through (Adrian), so I really think that seeking out others, even if just online, can be a huge help. I hate to sound like a parent but I do want to add that you should be careful with what information you put out online and with meeting people online in real life. Still, communicating with people via Tumblr, youtube, wordpress, etc. can be great.

Otherwise, I’d really recommend these things, distraction (take your mind off of things somehow, read an engrossing book, watch a movie, play some video games, escape your life), and meditation/relaxation exercises. I also highly recommend typing all of your negative feelings into The Quiet Place and watching them blow up and fly away. Packing also helps some people, although some say that it makes their bottom dysphoria worse. If you want to try it out, you can always start by packing with a sock. If you’re able to order a real packer online with a money order or one of those credit card gift card things and get it shipped to a friend’s house or something like that, that’s also maybe an option. 

Hope that helps! 

Zak: I don’t know if this would work for you, but what about saying “hey, sorry, things don’t seem to be working right now” or something like that when you notice he’s off? I don’t know if this would still bring attention to his dysphoria, but you can always just say “this feels off, are you sure you want to keep going?” It seems as though you’re in a bit of a lose-lose situation because asking him if he’s okay upsets him but so does continuing so maybe it’s just best to stop if things appear to be getting bad with him. It also might be worthwhile to have a conversation with him about this during a neutral time (when you’re not about to have sex or in the middle of having sex, rather) and just ask him what he’d prefer you do in this situation. Maybe you guys could come up with a code word to say when you notice him looking uncomfortable or when he starts to feel uncomfortable. 

Zak: For starers, most people acclimate to the increased sex drive after awhile. You don’t keep on feeling like a teenage boy for the rest of you life!  Things start to calm down after awhile, although that probably varies from person to person. As for the issue with bottom dysphoria, The Self Made Men’s Trans & Sexual section has several articles giving sexual tips (including masturbation tips) that keep in mind the type of bottom dysphoria that many trans* guys experience. I’ve heard of people feeling better using sex toys that help distance them from their anatomy, particularly vibrators. If even just getting aroused causes problems for you, I don’t know exactly what to advise. There are multiple ways to deal with dysphoria, including bottom dysphoria, but it’s still tough to deal with. Hope that helps. 

Zak: We have an article on Dealing with Dysphoria and Hopelessness, but it’s a bit old so I thought I’d add a little bit based on my experiences since that was written. The thoughts room from the quiet place project is an excellent space to vent and the fact that your worlds disappear off the page is actually pretty cathartic. I also deal with dysphoria by working out and trying to get my body to a place where I feel more comfortable with it (broader shoulders, bigger arms, etc.) and this can be healthy to a certain extent but for some people it can also veer off into dangerous territory if it becomes and obsession or they work themselves too hard. Shopping can make me feel better or worse, depending on the day. It can be nice to find flattering clothes, but it’s also expensive and can be a real downer to try on clothes that are NOT flattering. Talking to someone about it can also help. I know it can be reassuring to hear from someone I trust that my hips are not super huge and noticeable, that they are just normal and I look fine. Trans* support groups can also be incredibly helpful if there’s one close to you.

When talking about Jews being insecure about their Judaism, someone once told me to say “I’m Jewish AND” instead “I’m Jewish BUT.” I think this could also apply to a lot of trans* guys. Instead of saying (or thinking) “I’m a guy, but my hips are so wide, my hands are so small, etc” change that to “I’m a guy, and I happen to have wider hips and smaller hands.” A lot of times we are dysphoric about things because we worry that our bodies are not male enough, but there’s plenty of variation in male bodies (or just bodies in general). Your hands might be smaller than the average male (for instance), but there are plenty of guys with smaller hands and you’re just one of them. This isn’t an automatic cure-all, particularly for intense bouts of dysphoria, but it can be a helpful way of shifting your thinking. 

There are a lot of ways of dealing with dysphoria, but it’s still tough. I’ve been on testosterone for almost 2 years and have had top surgery, and I still experience dysphoria and haven’t really figured out a way to make it 100% go away. Good luck and we’re always here to talk. 

Zak: We wrote an article on dealing with period dysphoria awhile back, but I think it’s gotten buried so here’s the link.