Art of Transliness

Zak: We’ve answered a question very similar to this before. What questions you will get depends a lot on the situation you’re coming out in and the people you are coming out to (their personalities, prior knowledge about trans* stuff, etc.).

Most people, however, will ask something about how you know, how long you’ve known, or how sure you are. Some people might ask you what it feels. I’d group those together and call them all “verifying questions,” because whomever you are coming out to is trying to verify exactly what the situation is and get what they would probably consider basic information. For the most part, I think it is good to respond to these honestly. It obviously depends on your particular situation, but if people ask you how you know you can always say “I’ve thought deeply about it, researched it carefully, and it just feels right.” If people ask you sure you are and you are annoyed by that question, you can always turn it around on them and ask them how sure they are of THEIR gender identity. 

The second type of questions that people get a lot when coming out are “change questions.” These pretty much address all the things that could potentially change, everything from “are you going to be the same person? are you still going to be my child/friend/lover?” to “are you going to go on hormones and get surgery?” People are asking these things because change is scary and they want to know how this revelation is going to affect them. This is also where questions about whether or not they need to call you a new name or pronouns get thrown in. Again, it is best to address these honestly, although sometimes it can be difficult because you don’t know what your future holds. A good answer for a lot of these questions is “I don’t know yet, I will get back to you.” As for whether or not you’ll be the same person, you can stress to them that you are still the same person on the inside. 

The last type of questions are “nosey questions.” A lot of times people, particularly friends, will ask these without really thinking. They are usually questions that are impolite, but come from a place of curiosity instead of meanness. Examples are: “how will you have sex?”, “how will you find someone to date?”, and other questions that most people would deem too personal (and often focused on a person’s body or sex life). A good response to these is to let the person know that they are asking a question that is too personal and to tell them that you are uncomfortable answering that (unless, of course, you are comfortable, than by all means answer honestly!). 

Again, a lot of times this varies. Some people just shut down and don’t ask any questions at all when someone close to them comes out as trans*, other people get really curious and ask a ton of questions. In my own personal experience coming out to family, friends, and random people around me, this is the average pattern for questions though.