Art of Transliness — I’m a gay trans man, beginning to transition at my own speed but not out to anyone but a few friends and one sibling. Thanks to the way I dress, and the fact that I’m not dating anyone, my classmates all think I’m a lesbian (not bi)— which wouldn’t be so bad if I was attracted to women, but as it is, I feel like I’m leading on actual queer women/scaring away guys who might be amenable to dating me. What can I do to clear up this confusion without just declaring “I’m straight”? (I’m not!)

Answer

I'm a gay trans man, beginning to transition at my own speed but not out to anyone but a few friends and one sibling. Thanks to the way I dress, and the fact that I'm not dating anyone, my classmates all think I'm a lesbian (not bi)-- which wouldn't be so bad if I was attracted to women, but as it is, I feel like I'm leading on actual queer women/scaring away guys who might be amenable to dating me. What can I do to clear up this confusion without just declaring "I'm straight"? (I'm not!)

Anonymous asked

Zak: I can see how that would be pretty frustrating. Dating while closeted can be difficult in general, since our sexual orientations and relationships are often so gender coded in our society. I actually have a friend who has been in more or less the same predicament as you (trans*, likes men, pre-everything), and basically has dealt with it by just exasperatedly explaining to people that “I know I look like a lesbian, but trust me, I like men.” I know this is kind of campy (not that that’s a bad thing…), but have you considered getting a button, t-shirt, or other apparel that says “likes boys”? I know this sort of thing is absolutely not for everyone (my friend, for instance, would hate it), but it can be an easy way to get that information out there. Changing your facebook to liking men can also help get the word out there. Helping people understand that liking men doesn’t mean you’re a straight woman, now that’s quite a bit more difficult and would probably require coming out as trans*.