Art of Transliness

Zak: This is such a good question! Men’s pants usually have larger pockets that can carry bulkier objects and in theory that should solve your problem (wallet in the back pocket, keys and phone in front pockets). Of course, slimmer cut pants are fashionable for men right now and so pockets in men’s pants are getting smaller and smaller and objects in them only serve to make the wearer look lumpy. Besides that, you’re probably not going to be able to fit a water bottle or a snack in your pants pocket. Most guys I know carry a backpack, even though that can seem a little juvenile if you’re out of school (although my dad carries a backpack everywhere he goes and he’s a full fledged adult). If you want something similar to that but a little lighter, you could also go for a small, drawstring backpack. Some guys also carry messenger bags or brief cases (or fancy messenger bag/brief case hybrids), which are more mature versions of the backpack. Although this article is written specifically about bags men can wear to carry their ipads in, it is a generally good source for ideas about more stylish man bags. AskMen also has a helpful article on men’s bags. Man bags can be tricky to pull off, particularly if you are having trouble being read as male, but they are also pretty fashionable right now. You have a lot of choices, so choose something that you think goes with your overall style and best fits your needs. 

Zak: We’ve answered a question very similar to this before. What questions you will get depends a lot on the situation you’re coming out in and the people you are coming out to (their personalities, prior knowledge about trans* stuff, etc.).

Most people, however, will ask something about how you know, how long you’ve known, or how sure you are. Some people might ask you what it feels. I’d group those together and call them all “verifying questions,” because whomever you are coming out to is trying to verify exactly what the situation is and get what they would probably consider basic information. For the most part, I think it is good to respond to these honestly. It obviously depends on your particular situation, but if people ask you how you know you can always say “I’ve thought deeply about it, researched it carefully, and it just feels right.” If people ask you sure you are and you are annoyed by that question, you can always turn it around on them and ask them how sure they are of THEIR gender identity. 

The second type of questions that people get a lot when coming out are “change questions.” These pretty much address all the things that could potentially change, everything from “are you going to be the same person? are you still going to be my child/friend/lover?” to “are you going to go on hormones and get surgery?” People are asking these things because change is scary and they want to know how this revelation is going to affect them. This is also where questions about whether or not they need to call you a new name or pronouns get thrown in. Again, it is best to address these honestly, although sometimes it can be difficult because you don’t know what your future holds. A good answer for a lot of these questions is “I don’t know yet, I will get back to you.” As for whether or not you’ll be the same person, you can stress to them that you are still the same person on the inside. 

The last type of questions are “nosey questions.” A lot of times people, particularly friends, will ask these without really thinking. They are usually questions that are impolite, but come from a place of curiosity instead of meanness. Examples are: “how will you have sex?”, “how will you find someone to date?”, and other questions that most people would deem too personal (and often focused on a person’s body or sex life). A good response to these is to let the person know that they are asking a question that is too personal and to tell them that you are uncomfortable answering that (unless, of course, you are comfortable, than by all means answer honestly!). 

Again, a lot of times this varies. Some people just shut down and don’t ask any questions at all when someone close to them comes out as trans*, other people get really curious and ask a ton of questions. In my own personal experience coming out to family, friends, and random people around me, this is the average pattern for questions though. 

Adrian: Irregular periods are not uncommon for people with female reproductive organs but it worries me that you’re just now experiencing these issues. What I would suggest is calling your endocrinologist or prescribing physician and let them know of this issue. I would say to not point fingers at testosterone just yet, because two weeks is really not a terribly long time for steroid hormones to have much effect on your body - but still phone your doctor!

Zak: It is probably best to talk to your family that will be there before you have your new name called, if only because that seems like it would be a tough time to introduce your name change to them. This is an iffy situation and I could see it going both ways, but personally I would say go with the name your family will recognize because  graduation is so much for the family of the person graduating. Having said that, if you were already out to all of your family and had told them about your name beforehand, I would say go with your chosen name even if your family isn’t super accepting. I just think it is a bad idea to have the name you’re called out at your commencement be the way some your family finds out about your new name. Just my two cents, I know there are probably other opinions out there that are equally valid. In the end, you should go with what YOU think is right.

Zak: I don’t know any resources that address this for trans* men, but there are plenty that address it for women who have hystos. Many of the major things (changes in lubrication, sex drive, and vaginal texture) that women report after having a hysterectomy are primarily due to the change in hormones, so if you are already on testosterone you probably won’t need to worry about those things as much. Many report that after a full recovery things are about the same as pre-op or that things are even better than  before. One common thing that people (women and trans* guys I know) report is that orgasms feel slightly different. This is likely because of the role uterine contractions play in orgasms. Many say it isn’t necessarily better or worse, just different after the surgery. Of course as with any surgery there is also a possibility for complications or nerve damage that could potentially affect your sex life. 

So, it seems like it really varies. 

Zak: The vast majority of people would consider “it” to be an unacceptable pronoun for a human being. However, there is also probably a small group of people out there who think it is a good, gender-neutral alternative to “he” or “she” and might even consider it their preferred pronoun. What I’m saying is, the first person to go to would probably be your trans* friend to see what they think about all of this. Ask them how they feel about your mutual friend calling them “it” and ask them if they’d like you to talk to your friend about stopping it and suggest an alternate pronoun they could use. If your friend is uncomfortable with it and says it is okay for you to say something to your other friend, feel free to tell your mutual friend that you’ve talked to your trans* friend and that they uncomfortable with being called “it” and would like them to stop (and, hopefully you should be able to suggest a pronoun to use instead). If your friend is okay with all of this or doesn’t want you to say anything to anyone, you should respect this even if it bothers you.