Art of Transliness

Zak: The clitoris generally grows in both length and girth for individuals on testosterone. As we mentioned in our Changes on Testosterone article, the clitoris usually ends up being between 1-3 inches in length, with some guys smaller than that and some guys larger (it’s difficult to get a good estimate on averages here, since these numbers are largely self-reported by guys on tumblr, youtube, and other blogs). If you want to check out some examples, there are a lot of pictures of nude FtMs on testosterone at transqueersxxx (NSFW, obviously) and xtube, a porn site (super NSFW). 

Zak: I don’t know if you would necessarily identify this way, and correct me if I’m totally off-base, but it sounds like you’re a butch woman. Butchness, for women, is generally defined as “masculine spirit in a woman.” I know plenty of butches, some of whom are lesbians and others who are not. Many wear more masculine clothing or prefer masculine terms but whole heartedly identify as women. Most of the resources for butch women tend to be from the lesbian community or assume a lesbian identity, such as Fuckyeahbutchlesbians, but others seem a bit more general (see fuckyeahbutch and fuckyeahbutchgirls). 

If that doesn’t fit, you may be gender fluid (gender identity shifts, you may have “boy days” or “girl days”) or genderqueer. I highly recommend checking out genderfork and see if the way other people are describing their gender on there resonate with you.

We did a post on figuring out gender identity that you may or may not find helpful.  My advice for anyone questioning their gender is to reflect on things, research the different identities and options out there (including talking to other people all over the gender spectrum about their identities), and experiment (by “cross-dressing,” going by different pronouns or different name online, or just generally allowing yourself to explore your gender). I also highly recommend My Gender Workbook for anyone who is questioning their gender or struggling with their gender identity. 

Zak: I don’t know anything about this process in other countries (just as a heads up), you didn’t mention your location but here’s the info for the US:

If you change your name before meeting the qualifications for changing your gender marker according to the state you live in, you will absolutely end up with a male name on your ID and your sex as female. I had this situation for almost a year and never experienced any problems (granted, I was under 21 so not using my ID much), though I was really nervous about it. 

Changing all of your documentation can be a real nightmare, particularly if you live in (or were born in) a state with a lot of complicated requirements for changing your gender marker. Changing your gender marker and changing your name, as I kind of mentioned before, are two entirely different processes. However they can be undertaken together, particularly in regard to your birth certificate. The federal requirements for changing your gender marker (which determine your gender with social security and passport) are different than the state requirements where you live (which determine your ID), which can be different from the state requirements where you were born (which determine your birth certificate). 

The federal government requires you to submit a letter saying you have undergone gender transition, although this letter can be from your doctor who prescribes hormones or your top surgeon (does have to be a medical doctor or surgeon, though). This requirement is similar to several states, but is more lenient than many others. The requirements for changing your sex on your ID will often be different than the requirements for changing your sex on your birth certificate, even if you were born in the same state. For instance, some states will allow you to change the sex on your driver license after top surgery but require bottom surgery for you to change things on your birth certificate. In some states it is actually impossible for you to change anything on your birth certificate, which is quite unfortunate, but people still get by. 

A lot of times, if you have conflicting documentation, you can plan ahead of time and submit alternative documents. For example, for many legal things that require you to prove citizenship, you can submit/show your passport instead of your birth certificate. I know of a lot of guys who have been unable to change their birth certificates but have been able to change their driver licenses and so got married in states that only required a drivers license for identification. 

As for whether or not you will be doomed at international airports, I don’t think so. If you have been on hormones or had top surgery, I highly recommend you change your gender marker on your passport for safety reasons/just in case. However, like I said, I don’t think you are doomed if you don’t. You will, however, likely be flagged by security in certain places (like the US) because your documentation will be unusual. I didn’t travel internationally when I had documentation that didn’t all line up, but I did travel domestically and no one gave me any trouble having an ID that said “Zachary” and “female.” Honestly, the most important thing when traveling is having the name on your ticket match the name on your passport or other form of ID. If you do decide to change your passport, I highly recommend you go to a passport acceptance agency (like a post office) before you fill out any of the paperwork. I personally had quite a few problems figuring out the process, even after calling the nationally office, but the people who work at the offices are generally professional and very helpful and can get everything straightened out for you. 

ALSO, and important note, you can get a temporary passport with your gender marker changed on it if you can document that you are in the process of transitioning. I don’t know exactly how one goes about documenting such a thing (perhaps a therapist’s letter?) but it’s worth looking into for anyone who needs to travel internationally but hasn’t physically transitioned (but plans on doing so). 

Hope that clears things up for you. If I got anything wrong or if anyone has anything to add, feel free to say something!

Zak: Not necessarily. The majority of my friends are female (the VAST majority) and I’d rather watch Glee than football any day. There are plenty of men who act feminine (or just not masculine), have female friends, and never doubt their maleness. For me, I’m simply more comfortable around women because I find a lot of cisgender men intimidating and a lot of my friends are from my pre-transition days when I hung out with a lot of lesbians. I find women a lot easier to connect with, which is actually something I’ve heard from a lot of guys (cisgender or trans*, queer or heterosexual). In a culture that discourages close male friendships, bro bonding can be awkward and uncomfortable even IF you know all of the rules governing male social behavior (which a lot of trans* guys feel they don’t because they often weren’t taught them growing up). So there are a lot of reasons why a guy, particularly a trans* guy, would have a lot of female friends. 

Also we are fed a lot of BS about how men should look and act. Some men love sports, cars, fixing things, girls, etc. but a lot do not. There are all sorts of ways of being male, including liking stereotypically feminine things or behaving in a more feminine way (see femme FTM). There are also men who, while not femme, are more nerdy and so don’t feel very masculine. The thing about this that really has surprised me is that, the more men I meet, the more I realize that feelings of not feeling masculine enough seems to be a huge part of the male experience. A lot of guys (particularly younger guys) are insecure in their masculinity and worried about their interests, behavior, clothing, etc. not fitting in with other guys. So, I wouldn’t worry too much about this. 

The only worrying thing here is your self-doubt, NOT your friend group or behavior. If you find yourself doubting your identity or transition a lot, I think you should examine the reasoning behind this and whether it’s because you don’t feel male or because you feel you don’t fit the social expectations of males. In the end, that part is up to you. 

Zak: I will try to help, but I think that this situation is probably over our heads because it seems quite serious (abusive family, etc.). My advice would be, first and foremost, to ensure your safety. If this means staying in the closet and not being true to yourself until you are 18, and then getting as far away as possible, that’s what I’d recommend. However, I also know that following that advice can be really difficult and emotionally damaging and that you probably want advice on how to get from 16 to 18, not just hear that everything will get better when you’re older.

Is there a counselor or teacher you can share your concerns with? They are mandated reporters of abuse, which could be a positive or a negative thing depending on how you feel about your family and the system. However, they also probably are up on more of the local resources for teens in your situation (youth advocacy groups, for example) and might be able to help you figure out the best thing to do.

My advice for people who come out to unsupportive parents is to give them time, resources, and education. A parent who can’t wrap their mind around transsexuality/gender variance, who refuses to use the correct pronouns, and responds with disappointment and sorrow, however, are a whole different ball game than a parent that responds with violent anger, kicks their child out of the house, or emotionally abuses them (I get the sense that these things are possibilities from the content of your ask, but of course I may be wrong). I’m not entirely sure what to do in those situations, other than to have a very strong plan B (friends/other family members that could take you in, in this case). 

I don’t know if this will help, but here are some resources I was able to find for transgender youth, homeless LGBTQ youth/LGBTQ youth in foster care, and LGBTQ youth in crisis. Obviously all of these won’t be helpful or apply to you, but maybe some of them will be. Good luck, and I hope that you can get through this. If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to write us again. 

Zak: Perhaps this would be a good time to explain to your mom how you feel about your gender, using what happened as a way to open the conversation. Something like, “I know that I already told you that I’m gender-fluid, but I want you to know part of that means I don’t feel like a ‘girl’ and that I want to transition” (or something like that). Then add, “It was really frustrating when we were out shopping at you corrected a kid for me and called me a ‘girl,’ I’d rather you let me handle these things.” (or however you feel) Obviously it’s up to you to say what you want to say, but I think being open and honest is generally the best way to go. If you’ve explained everything to her and she just doesn’t seem to get it, I suggest writing something down so that you can get everything down on paper and give her a little bit of time to read it over and think about it. Some resources on transition also might help her understand things better. Good luck!

Zak: I’m a year on T and I think my acne has already started to clear up. I’m not positive, but I’m assuming that it should follow a fairly similar pattern to a cis male puberty because the body will eventually get used to the new levels of testosterone that have been introduced to your system. I’m not a doctor, though, so I’m not sure about this. 

Zak: This is tough because it depends on your friend and your friendship. Personally I would rather my friend wait for me to bring things up, but I know that other people definitely would not feel the same way. If your friend has already brought it up to you that they are questioning their gender, than it would probably be okay and respectful to casually bring up pronouns in a way that shows that you are being supportive, not prying or trying to  force them into a category. Something like “hey, I just want to be respectful and supportive and let you know I’m here for you. It’s okay if you don’t want to answer or don’t know yet or just plain don’t want to talk about it, but I was wondering if there was anything I should change/do on the pronoun front?” When I first started questioning my gender, I dreaded the pronoun question because I didn’t know how to answer it, but I also really appreciated the thoughtfulness of everyone who asked. Stating that you are supportive, that you respect their boundaries, and that you’re okay with them talking or not talking or whatever is probably a good way to go about this. Particularly if your friend is an open person and you’re pretty close, it should go over fine. : )